Jurassic..Parenting?

I liken trying to do stuff with kids to a rainy night in Jurassic Park. Imagine...you're Sam Neill, you've got a flare in your hand baiting a hungry T-Rex away from a car full of 2 awkward, nerdy kids and a dick lawyer. Now..replace the T-Rex with 2 hungry 9 month olds, the kids & lawyer with something you wanna do *cough* paper crafting..Hearthstone *cough* and the flare with something extremely interesting & somewhat forbidden that you are sorta willing to part with (because god knows if you'll see it again) and give that object to the dino. Voila! You've got the key to actually completely tasks as a parent. RIP pieces of fancy craft paper. You were shiny and fun until you met your demise in the hands and maybe intestines (oops) of a curious T-Rex. >.<

Motherhood: Backstage Tour!

During the show there is no strippers and blow but there sure are groupies!! And this is what it looks like..

Irresponsible parenting

I'm such a cruel mom. Dragging kids to the park (which as you can see Flynn hates) then feeding them warm cookies from the oven. I know, I know. Irresponsible parenting, gaw. ;) PS. Score 1 for my side! He looks like me in this pic! Finally.. photographic evidence!! MUAH HA HA!

Baby NeverNeverland

I sit here sobbing this morning as I sort through 1,234 pieces of baby clothes and pack up all the littles 3-6-9 month clothes that they are way too big for. What happened to that time? It feels like they should be just getting out of their 3 month old clothes not moving into 12 month old jeans and toddler shoes. As I fold the clothes and pack up them up into two crisp Trader Joes paper bags I can't help but want to keep every single skirt. Every onesie. Every bib with a comically large smiling animal on it. I don't WANT this time to be over. Some sort of primal instinct is kicking in making me want to do this journey all over again. Sure, we are already bursting at the seams in an 1100 sq ft condo but what's one more car seat? One more high chair? That's one more set of eyes that smile at me when I greet them in the morning. One more tiny hand to hold when sleep just won't come. That's not too much right?? I don't them to grow up but I guess there is no baby NeverNeverLand and life just has to happen. That's it. I'm waking the babies up for a snuggle and a chance to play Teddy Bears with them before they're teenagers. :)

Some days...

...you just need to eat like a stoner. I'd like to think the lobster & cheese bites make me refined (but I could be grasping at some arterial damaging straws..) mmmm strawberry Quik straws... ;)

Eye of the Beholder

Here's my current room with a view ;) Most peeps would see the toys strewn about and bins everywhere. I see two pillows neatly put on the couch and that I actually have pants on. Okay..I lied about the pants thing but the pillows! Wow! I'm a Wonder Woman! How'd I manage that? This parenting gig is easy! >.> <.<

Flock of Seagulls

Note to self: do not feed the littles fish at lunchtime. PHEW! Our place now smells like we are harboring Shamu, Mrs. Shamu & Shamu Jr. for SeaWorld to escape California animal rights activists and I'm pretty sure if we so venture outside to head to the park I'll be fending off nomadic, renegade seagulls from kidnapping my progeny. They might make off with Lily but if they send in a scrawny bird for Flynn, they'll have another thing coming...

My Favorite FB Ramblings of 2013 (Part 1)

Let the adventures begin...

July 9, 2013 

Achievement unlocked: Parenthood! Lily Evangelina and Flynn Leonardo were born today at 9:18 AM. Flynn tipped the scales (and won the big sibling race) at 7lbs 5oz and 20.5in while Lily came close at 6lbs 10oz and 20in. I have the best wife (and now mother of my kids) EVER! Great job babe!!! 

July 12, 2013

We got to head on home from the hospital yesterday afternoon as a family and the adventures began! I've never been so in love in all my life! Woke up to (okay lets be realistic..never really went to sleep lol) two sets of adoring eyes looking for mama during the night <33 best feeling in the world! Also side note: To all our parent friends, I GET it now. The sleep thing & all that..yep, we are officially a part of the club.

July 20, 2013 

As I dual wield newborns aboard the Milk Cannon Express, all I can feel is utter (udder hehe) joy at how wonderfully full this life of mine is thanks to one man who has given me his everything and gone above & beyond every single day for me and the ones he loves  Happy 1 Year Anniversary, my handsome husband!! And to many, many more! Love you, babes! Xoxo

July 21, 2013

The many faces of Miss Lily ;) ♥

July 24, 2013 

Day 15 on Twin Island: Sleep deprivation has set in. We've set up camp in our common living area to keep the casualties to a minimum as the battle cries of the natives cut through the night, howling hungrily for our ample supply of white liquid gold. We will not let them wear us down. We will hold out. We will persevere! We will not mistake breast milk for real milk when eating our Frosted Flakes! For now... 

July 29, 2013 

Newly found mom perk #437: being able to revisit the classic rom-coms playing at 3am on Encore & TBS (ehem, Mystic Pizza & Say Anything anyone?? :)). Looking forward to catching the Breakfast Club with Miss Lily at 4am so we can talk about Emilio Estevez, his tight jeans and lessons in teenage angst lol

August 4, 2013

Dad of the year!  dual wielding over 16 lbs of babeh so I could scarf down pizza. /hardcore

August 5, 2013

We made it! Babies first walk over to the store with mama!! :D one small step for mankind, one GIANT step for the Floreseses! Only thing we needed was 2 bottles, 2 binkies, 2 blankets, 1 stroller, 1 carseat, 1 Baby Bjorn, 2 costume changes, a plethora of diapers & wipes, baby sun hats, wallet, 1 hot mom in law, an iron will, keys & phone..oh and babies! No big deal! O.o

August 12, 2013 

My new discovery of the day is that babies are the ultimate fat finders. No matter how fit one claims to be, a newborn's tiny fingers can and will find that lil' bit of extra lovin' left on a body by that burrito you swore you had worked off lol. In my case, both Lily & Flynn are enamored by pinching that peninsula of jiggle under the armpit that loves to muffin top outta strapless dresses on most ladies. How'd that get there??Good game, kids. Good game. Lol

August 18, 2013 

This morning I greeted the birthday faerie (aka my mom in law) at the door looking super special (bday hair pic attached) after a bit of a long night with one of my favoritest of presents, Miss Lily Girl and this faerie gave me a green party dress to wear, pretty soaps to play with and an afternoon with my hubby at my favorite restaurant & a nap while she watches the kiddos. Happy birfday to me!!! Now to go put on mah party shoes! 

August 20, 2013 

So tired I went to the kitchen and started looking for my load of laundry in the cupboards and about 2 minutes worth of staring later I realized I wasn't in the laundry room so I made a sammich instead LOL. Good lord...someone replaced my brain with a sloppy joe!  mmm sloppy Joe..*goes to laundry room to make dinner*

August 21, 2013 

6 weeks already! Boy, has this time flown!  we are +2 poo/giggle machines, +1 year of marriage, +1 birthday, -4773389 hours of sleep, +40 gray hairs, -1 clean house = the time of our lives

August 27, 2013 

Hello, my name is Elissa and I'm.. *tear* a slave to my morning java fix. I neatly put my SBucks Via packet of iced coffee powder in a baggie a couple days back and each day I pour it onto a paper plate and cut in packets of Splenda to make it last longer... it's only one small step away from loitering outside of the Bucks asking if I can smell people's cups of coffee LOL *eye twitch* but you don't understand! I NEED IT!

September 1, 2013

I call this masterpiece "flirting with the blinds while poopin'!" Artist: Mr. Flynn Flores, Photo Courtesy: Mommy...Inspirational quote of the Day: May all your poops make your eyebrows red and your heart full of joy :)

September 3, 2013 

Hmmm where did I put my well behaved children today?  same place I put my patience, 2 auxiliary arms, a good bottle of wine, all my lost left socks and my rock hard abs I think...heeheehee HAHAHA AAHHHHH *eye twitch*

September 12, 2013 

First week at the new job (SAHM) almost in the books and I can officially say I LOVE it! My coworkers always have a sweet smile for me even on their cranky days, the cafeteria has all my favorite foods and the company car is the shizz  I'm settling in great and have my first real project coming up called "Teething 101: The Wonders of Mastication x2" so we'll see how we'll do!  almost Friday! Boy howdy!

September 16, 2013 

I dreamt I became the ant queen (complete with fashionable scepter & sash) and sent my drones out for a log of creamy Velveeta last night.. LOL. Just marked 2 weeks of being dairy free so perhaps that had something to do with it? Mmmm processed cheese loaf..on the other hand, Lily is completely reflux free! Score one for the non-milky milk side! Mmmm milky milk side..  #lactoselover

September 18, 2013 

After being up since 2:30 in the AM..my day has become somewhat of an acid trip...the walls in my house are wiggly, I have 0 equilibrium and I could've sworn the Simba head on the baby swing said "Good morning" to me. I guess if all I have to worry about is dancing drywall & cordial toys, I'm good! Now to get down to brass tax..,I have 2 gently used babies in a couple of colors for sale. Bidding starts at a grande iced coffee. Got a grande iced coffee..do I hear a venti mocha frappuccino?? Going once...

September 19, 2013 

After a wacky day yesterday, my man came home, made my favorite dinner, gave me a long, luxurious nap and cleaned the whole house HAPPILY. None of this "I want you to want to do the dishes" stuff lol. Yep, I bagged myself a superhero! I got my mojo back baby! Couldn't do this crazy life without ya, babes <333!! Now to tackle the day and dem babehs!! /pounce! 

September 23, 2013 

...so there I was. Faced with a very important decision at the end of the day. Me time. I had it but only a fleeting moment of it so I had to decide... A cold, crisp bottle of Octoberfest? Or a hot shower to de-poopify myself (the kids poop I swear..>.>)? For the first time since college, I propped my brewski up on the shower ledge next to my luffa & leave in conditioner and had mahself a shower beer. Regrets? None. AND the kids woke up the second I turned off the water. It's now confirmed: I'm a fantastic decision maker.

September 25, 2013 

Dang it!!! What is that secret cavernous spot under the very back side of your tongue where the crunchy points of chips sneak off to hide under and poke the ever living shit outta you until your forced to clumsily dig them out with your fingers and finally realizing you didn't even get the damn thing??!!!! /snort sigh... Just me?? Well then, let it be known rosemary & olive oil Triscuits are very good eats even if they do fight back! Nom nom nom ;D

Baby Bargaining Chip 101

Yogurt. Creamy vanilla flavored nonfat Greek yogurt to be exact should and will only be used in my home as the 911 of cheap, edible bargaining chips in the future because mommy MIGHT have underestimated the amount of artistic license two babies could harness when using yogurt as their medium. I don't want to inhibit their creativity but picking out yogurt covered boogies from 4 nostrils and orange-tinted yogurt pops of earwax from tiny ear crevices is not the best time (surprisingly!). They both LOVED it though and were damn cute about it so I'll just have to save it for an emergency chip. Or every day if we get a dog that loves yogurt ;) 

Step right up! Step right up! Welcome to my Twin Circus!

Well..hello there! So THIS is the wide wide world of blogging! I've been meaning to put all my thoughts down on virtual paper for MONTHS now (8 months 14 days and a handful or hours give or take lol) and I've finally got off my larger than life derrière to do it!

So, welcome! Take off your bra if ya like, throw on some torn yoga pants (my current work uniform) and let's belly up to my kitchen counter and chat about everything! Finally released from the chains of other social media sites and I've got my own space to call my own. I feel like such a grown up... You'd think popping out two kids at the same time would do that to ya but I GUESS NOT lol.

I'll get this blog rolling by posting a few of my past thoughts on mommyhood so we can get to know each other a bit and later on when I have two brain cells to rub together and my mental CPU isn't at 100% capacity ALL.THE. TIME. I'll remember the very beginning of this crazy mommy adventure and wonder how in the hell I made it through.  (Right now my answer to that would be carbs, Girl Scout cookies, carbs, an unhealthy addiction to HGTV & Pinterest, flip flops, sweat pants large enough to tent the Kardashian house TWICE, a 1/4 filled tube of very black

mascara when I wanna feel "pretty", carbs annnnddddd my husband. Yeah. Major props to that guy.  But more on him later!

Oh wait..did I forget something? Mmmmm maybe I should mention that I'm a mother of boy/girl twin ninjas & mayors of my own personal CrazyTown, Lily and Flynn. They just turned 8.5 months (or for you diehards out there, 36 weeks) old and they are my love, my life, my everything.  That being said...my god do they drive me to the brink of absolute madness every single day.

Welcome to my Thunderdome of Twindom, peeps!! Cheers!